Parenting an Athlete: Developing a Growth Mindset
In my practice, I’ve observed a significant dropout rate among young athletes around age 17. When I inquire about the reasons, the common responses point to parental pressure, loss of joy, or boredom with the sport. As parents, it’s essential to remember that teenagers are at an age where they seek independence, want to make their own decisions, and desire more freedom in their behaviour and choices. Additionally, their social lives are increasingly active, with friends going out and socializing.
If the goal is to nurture an elite athlete, certain sacrifices are inevitable. However, I don’t have all the answers, and I believe that as future-oriented individuals, athletes’ goals can evolve. It’s crucial for us, as parents, to respect their decisions—even when they are difficult to accept.
Having played sport myself and spent the past 15 years as a spectator and observer, I have seen both inspiring and frightening behaviours from parents and coaches. This has led me to question what has changed—the purpose of sport and our roles within it.
Reflecting on My Own Experiences
My favourite moments in competitive sport were the games and the drills; those moments of play fuelled my love for the game. Yet, many young athletes today describe match day as stressful—something to endure rather than enjoy, sometimes wishing they could sit on the bench rather than participating, or wishing for the experience to end.
Parenting an Athlete: Supporting, Not Overpowering
Recently, I’ve noticed a significant drop-out rate among young athletes around the age of 17. When I ask why, many reveal that pressure from parents has taken the joy out of sport or that they’re simply bored. It raises a question: why do we sometimes lose sight of why we played sports in the first place? As parents, it’s vital to remember that teenagers are entering a stage of greater independence—they want to make their own decisions, enjoy more freedom, and socialise with friends.
If your child aspires to be an elite athlete, sacrifices are inevitable. I don’t have all the answers, and I understand that their goals regarding sport may evolve over time. What’s most important is respecting their decisions—even if they differ from ours—as difficult as that may be.
Remember Why We Play
Reflections on Competition, Pressure, and Supporting Our Teens
When I reflect on my own experience in competitive sports, the highlight of every practice was always the game at the end. It was the moment I looked forward to the most. Similarly, the peak of the week was always match day. But from conversations I’ve had with athletes and parents alike, I notice a different perspective emerging. Many talk about the pressure of match day—wishing it would end, sometimes hoping they’d spend more time on the bench than on the field.
This raises an important question: WHY? As someone who works in performance mindset development in sport, I believe the origin of this pressure can be both external and internal. It’s crucial to understand where it is coming from—whether it’s pressure imposed by others or driven by their own expectations.
Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to facilitate Per4m Mindset workshops in schools and junior golf academies, with particular focus on involving parents. This experience has made me think deeply about what has changed in our educational and sporting environments.
Pressure in Team Sports
In team sports, the ranking system has put untold pressure on schools, coaches, and players. Here are some of the problems that have arisen:
- The best coaches are often selected for school teams, but being the best coach for a sport doesn’t always mean being the right person for the specific environment or for working with teenagers.
- Teenagers go through a wide range of developmental changes and challenges—injuries, emotional upheavals, and energy fluctuations—that can sometimes be mistaken for a lack of motivation.
- Their mood swings and unpredictable emotions can be difficult to navigate, both for the athlete and the coach. If the coach is not nurturing, mindful, and understanding of these factors, it becomes challenging to get the best out of individuals and the team as a whole.
Many of these young athletes are in their final two years of school, juggling enormous academic pressures alongside their sporting commitments. This compounded stress can lead to burnout, frustration, or even disengagement from sport altogether.
How Can Parents Help?
So, the question is: How can we, as parents, support our teens so they can enjoy the journey, regardless of the outcome?
When talent among athletes is equal, what will give them the edge? The answer often comes down to mindset—how they handle big moments, manage pressure, and remain resilient in the face of setbacks. A great question to ask them is “What is your Why?” They will find these answers in understanding what motivates them. Are they extrinsically or intrinsically motivated?
- Under 11 years old: They are primarily extrinsically motivated, so praise and encouragement work well.
- After 11 years old: Maturity brings about intrinsic motivation, where internal drive becomes more significant.
Instead of motivating them, learn to ask the right questions. Instead of trying to inspire them directly, we should focus on understanding their intentions and their “why,” offering support along the way. As parents, it’s important to reflect on their choices, respect their autonomy, and allow them to make their own decisions. Once a decision is made, we must live with it and trust their judgment.
Give them time after a performance to process the experience, then find the right moment to ask them about the experience, not their performance. If there is disappointment, don’t fix it—they will discover tools to overcome this moment, and hence they will develop grit and resilience. It’s our responsibility to teach discipline. While motivation can fluctuate, guiding others to discover their “why,” developing discipline, and fostering commitment are lasting foundations for success.
Understanding Pressure
When we consider what pressure truly is, it’s about exerting force in a direction the individual doesn’t want to go. So, we need to ask ourselves: who is this really for? It’s essential to recognize that children are unique individuals, not extensions of ourselves.
In Gazing Red to Blue mindset coaching, we use a tool to identify what pulls someone into an overwhelmed (red) state versus what helps them stay calm and in flow (blue). Two common triggers we see are parental sideline distractions and the coach’s delivery.
Examples
Parental distractions:
A player told me her father was shouting instructions from the sideline. She was so embarrassed by his yelling that she couldn’t hear her coach. Instead of absorbing the coaching, she was fixated on wanting to leave the field. The distraction made learning and performance impossible.
Coach behaviour:
I’ve had three people come into my sessions traumatised by a coach’s approach. When someone is overwhelmed, their ears can “shut down,” so shouting and berating often have no effect. One athlete, even at provincial level, didn’t want to get into the pool because she was being shouted at on the sidelines. Coaches may call this passion, but young athletes frequently experience it as intimidation. While some individuals respond to intense encouragement, most do not—and many don’t even register the intended message.
The takeaway:
Be mindful of how parental and coaching behaviours impact individuals. The same approach won’t work for everyone; what’s intended as motivation can instead create overwhelm and block learning.
Final Reflection
What does being a parent mean to you? Write a comment in the comment section.
Please support Jo Mountford by following on Instagram at Per4m Mindset and subscribing to her YouTube channel where you will also find breathing, meditation and yoga, which is sports specific. I encourage you to leave a comment and to ask any questions.
If you would like to set up a parent workshop, please contact Jo via email at Jomountford@per4m.co.za.
